On drinking…

I stopped drinking in early January of this year - something new I’ve now been doing for the last two years. My plan is 90 days of NA (no alcohol) life. This morning I scanned my journal entries from this time last year and was surprised at how much easier and enjoyable NA 2.0 has been this year. Last year I was plagued with feelings of missing out, especially when we would socialize with our friends (pre-pandemic) or I would have to skip wine club meetings. Even so my NA experiment stretched beyond the 90 days, but then slowly returned to a glass of vino every night by the end of the year. I blame my surprise graduation party in May - ha, not ha. I discovered that I didn’t even really like the taste of alcohol beyond the first sip once I introduced it back into my life. Since I’m now 86 days sober, I’m wondering what my future relationship with alcohol might look like. (Er. That sounds as if I don’t have any agency in the matter, right?!)

For both sequences of time, the reasons that I have chosen to try NA life are twofold - 1) I always drink a lot over the holidays (beginning in October, things ramp up for me - one glass of wine a night turns into two, and then more on the weekends) and, 2) I see a lot of clients in recovery and I want to understand what it’s like to have given something up with which they’ve had a lengthy and often unsatisfactory relationship.

Through both NA journeys I discovered that I too have had a lengthy relationship with alcohol that started before it even started. Alcohol was always around me when I was a kid. As a baby someone placed a giant can of Coors in my hands while I reclined in my baby recliner. Giggles and appreciation showed up as photos were snapped. (Being a chronic people pleaser, even as a babe I knew I was doing something good in the eyes of others.) I was always offered a taste of wine, and then I would ask that my milk be served in a wine glass and I would christen it “white wine.” When my parents were still together they would host cocktail parties routinely, and from the top of the landing in our house in England I would watch the guests gather in our living room. They would laugh (and get louder and louder) and look like they were having so much fun while sipping (or chugging?) elegant drinks from elegant cocktail glasses. I had no idea of what the next day might have looked like for the guests and how the fun from the night before might not have been worth it.

And so the stage was set. Until I wanted it to change. I didn’t want to “need” a drink. Or two. I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t be social without a drink in hand. I didn’t want to have to rely on something else to avoid what I was feeling.

I’ve read a lot on the sober curious movement, which I appreciate as the 12 steps approach just isn’t my jam. Reading books like Quit Like a Woman and We are the Luckiest and Girl Walks Out of a Bar reminded me that alcohol didn’t have as much of a hold on me as I thought it did (I’m really hard on myself). But it did in certain ways, and in ways that I didn’t like. For one, anxiety visited me a lot more regularly after a night of drinking. Depression. Cog fog. Irritation. I mean those things (depression and anxiety in particular) still show up today, but I now have clearer brain power to take a closer look to see what they have to say. I don’t know when I’ll drink again. I’m pretty sure I will, but whatever happens my plan is to be much more mindful about drinking when I do drink. I want to enjoy it. I want to not let it take control of me. I want to lean on my NA drink options. There are so many good ones out there; my current favorite is a light ginger beer topped with diet tonic water - and I can still pour it into a fancy glass.

What “habits” might you want to change that are no longer serving you? I believe that things show up for reasons that work in the moment…until they don’t work for us any longer. What do you lean into when things are stressful or unmanageable? Food? Drinking? Smoking? Pot? Porn? Sex? Overworking? How might you want to reconfigure your relationship with whatever IT is? And in a way that allows you to feel more whole, more authentic, more alive and true to yourself.

XO

PS. Not saying it’s easy to kick whatever IT is (or even that you have to), but if you’re struggling there are a ton of resources out there for support. Jump on the Google if you are finding it hard to give up your IT.