On couples…
To have…or not have…
A break-up.
A baby.
A proposal.
Loyalty.
Fidelity.
Trust.
Good communication.
Betrayal.
Good sex or mind-blowing sex.
Some sustainability either together. Or apart.
This list goes on…
A lot of the couples I consult with face the above challenges, which seem to be centered around a decision that either keeps things going in the direction they want together or a direction that one of the partners wants. Even not making a decision…is a decision…one that usually keeps ‘em in the exact same spot. I look at coming to couples therapy as an action against what’s currently happening, which is pretty awesome. I want to hug them for taking this step to stand up to what’s happening. I always hope that it’s not too late.
It’s a lot to unpack in the therapy room with a couple. When working with couples it’s a dance between working for the relationship and balancing the needs of the individuals in the relationship. I like to start with individual values and how the relationship might be served by those values. We map out when the value is present in the relationship, what might more of the value do for the relationship, and what might less look like. What’s missing, what’s too much, what’s ignored, dishonored, or misaligned. Where “the problem” might be interfering with one’s values. Where might compromise be reached, what’s too much, and what’s not enough? Too much or not enough - we always seem to circle around that. And then there’s “the problem” that showed up unexpectedly or was always there. The thing that seems to be so loud and has become the tipping point for whether or not the relationship can survive in the face of “the problem.”
As Susan Piver details in her lovely book, The Four Noble Truths of Love, once we’re in a relationship we’re always searching for and wanting that space of time when we were first dating - when things were just…awesome. The thing that drew us in. The excitement. The passion. With all the passion and excitement there also seems to be a co-occurring fear or uncertainty in the beginning. Insecurity that something could go wrong. Fear that the other might not like me as much as I like them. Fear that there could be something else out there that could be worse. Or better. It’s that instability that often keeps the relationship going in the beginning …and then beyond. Though as soon as security in the relationship shows up after it has been adequately(?) tested, passion might fade away. Disagreements might show up. Fights happen. Not as much sex happens. Life outside the relationship happens. Life within the relationship happens: Kids, new job, new friends, depression, anxiety, financial challenges, sadness, middle age, old age, illness, loss of a family member, personal growth, the list goes on…and on. And then they end up in my office to fix to what’s happening - to get them back to the awesomeness that once was or to finish things in a more peaceful way that serves the individuals in the relationship.
In the beginning of consulting with me, couples often look to me to be “the arbiter” of “the problem.” Whoa! Wait, a second, you want me to decide who’s right and who’s wrong, and what they should do about it? They (or one of them) then look at me annoyingly when I say that I’m not the one who gets to decide that. What I can do is look for gaps in “the problem story” when it’s not as strong or powerful. I want to know how did they did that? What was happening? What allows them to protest “the problem?” How might they stand up to “the problem” together. I look for moments when the problem doesn’t have them in its grip. How might they be able to invite in more of those moments? What might they do in spite of the “problem”…who might they be in spite of (fill in the blank)? What are they willing to do and who are they willing to be for the sake of the relationship? In the face of “the problem” are each personally willing to carry on in the relationship? How might they each want to be to serve the relationship? What are they willing to let go? What’s you, me, or we?
I have collaborated with couples that have broken up. Or stayed together as they continue to protest against the problem. And couples that are still in the same place as when they started the work.
What might you want your relationship to look like? What are you willing to do and who are you willing to be to reach that goal? How does “being right” serve (or not serve) the relationship? What allowed you to fall in love with your partner? Can you find those moments again? Is that enough? How might circumstances outside and inside the relationship strengthen it? What values might you be willing to sacrifice or modify for the relationship? The answers might begin to serve as guide to how your relationship could work. Or not work.
XO