On boundaries…

Boundaries seem to be top of mind over the last couple of weeks with my clients.  Boundaries are not an uncommon topic, but clients have certainly been bringing up the idea of holding onto their boundaries more than usual or noticing when they’ve been breached.  A collective trend across my clients seems to happen periodically where similar themes show up in bunches across all my clients. When this happens it always makes me wonder if/how I’m influencing the conversation; I have been exploring my own boundary construction while I sink into the book, Boundary Boss, by Terri Cole.

Side story - Terri Cole was the one of the major influences that pushed me into grad school to change my career from the corporate world to an integrated work life as a mental health therapist. I listened to one of her meditations in 2014 or so and was so rippled with truth bumps that I couldn’t ignore what my body had been telling me for years > I was in the wrong profession. And so began my journey to the career I find myself in now.

Back to boundaries…a construct with which I have managed (er. manipulated?) my whole life.  I first discovered the inaugural version of a boundary when I was in 6th or 7th grade - looking back at who I was then I would say that my version of boundaries was very, very loose and they would often completely disintegrate in the face of the wanting of other people to like me. I allowed things to happen to me which invited in an extreme uncomfortableness that stayed with me long beyond the actual event. (I hadn’t learned how to pay attention to what my body was telling me until much later.) 

My loose spider web of boundaries persisted for years as I navigated junior high and high school.  Though that all changed when I entered into an abusive (both psychologically and physically) relationship in my 20s.  As soon as my first husband laid a hand on me, I quickly secured myself within a very contained and thick boundary wall.  The result - I shut down and didn’t let anyone in. Not a single person. Nothing could get through that mile high wall.  Though, infrequently, under extreme stress, that tight boundary wall would crumble to the ground, the remnants being blown away away by a fierce wind leaving me asking, what is happening? Why am I letting this thing happen to me? And so, the wall reemerged with an even greater strength. 

After a lot of therapy, introspection, and slowly and tentatively opening myself up to healthy relationships, my boundaries are insecurely secure at best today.      

Terri Cole asks her readers and clients to map out their boundary blueprint.  As I took a look back in time and mapped my blueprint, I recognized pivot points when my boundaries were formed and flexed and tested.  As I write this it just occurred to me that an unstable boundary might still exist today in how I talk to myself. Meaning that I sometimes let my historical narrative consume my thoughts and then take over my mood and emotions and feelings - which always support the original narrative.  For me, it’s definitely not okay that I still let that narrative attempt to take over. I know I’m in charge of my boundaries - no one else (is that the wall wanting to resurface?).  

When it comes to my clients (and myself) I find myself transported to the idea that things show up for a reason in a specific moment in time.  That a boundary might serve one in that specific moment, until it becomes an ingrained habit that doesn’t serve. Huh. What might I want to change as a result of knowing that? Go easier on myself as things show up. What about you?

I find myself asking my clients the following questions when it comes to boundaries - 

How would you describe your boundaries?  In what contexts do you notice stronger or weaker boundaries (or the want of them)—Family, social relationships, professional relationships, financial, health, drinking, smoking, etc., etc.,…?

Are there any you want to loosen or tighten up? What might that look like? What are the risks of doing either?

What might have influenced how your boundaries developed?

How have they served you?

Not served you?

Are you okay with how they show up for you today? 

How might you prefer them to look? What might that mean for your relationships?  Including the one with yourself.   

What are you willing to do to change things up?

Who might you be and what might you do if you shift your boundaries to something that serves you in a more preferred way?

Is there a different word you would like to use than ‘boundary’ - maybe ‘limit’ or ‘threshold?’

XO